alwayswithme, a Weblog

where I keep my thoughts together

Still Struggling With Chocolate August 10, 2008

Filed under: Family — alwayswithme @ 10:35 am

I weighed in with a .2 loss.  I exercised 5 days walking on the treadmill and did the 100 pushup challange.  I am glad I walked.  I am glad I’m doing the challenge.  Food remains the thing I am not glad about.

I am still really struggling with chocolate issues (and mint).  Those flavors are my real downfall.  It all started when I was a teenager.  I was probably 16 because I could get myself to the store that sold Junior Mints and Peppermint Patties and I had some money so I could buy them.  I was buying so many that I remember one time the clerk who worked there said they should just order me a box of them.  That was embarassing but it did not stop me from continuing to go there to get them.  I was stick thin at the time so this pattern didn’t start to catch up with me until my mid to late 20’s.  By then I was in an unhappy marriage, working full time about an hour from home when you factor in dropping off and picking up my son and I was eating fast food for lunch and sometimes breakfast.  My ex worked a 30 day rotating shift so I didn’t see much of him for a good number of days.  I never seemed to get into the swing of preparing meals because when he worked days he was home in time to fix something, when he worked evenings and midnights it was just Matt and I and Matt was a toddler who didn’t eat much.  I am sure back then I ate crap even for dinner but it has been so long ago, I don’t remember.

When I was single again, I dropped alot of weight from worry and lack of money.  Matt and I would share meals out.  I don’t think I still cooked much at home.  Then when I remarried, I married a man (whom I love dearly) with custody of his two sons.  DH played shortorder cook, preparing three meals for them or going out and getting them fast food from different restaurants.  He absolutely would not commit to sitting down as a family to eat meals; so again, no reason to cook.  No wonder I’ve never enjoyed spending time in the kitchen.  There was no one to really do it for; or so it seemed. 

Our DS (ours together with all the other boys out of the home as they are adults) enjoys eating as a family which is great but DH after a year of unemployment finally got a job that requires 10 to 12 hour days plus weekends.  I never know when he is coming home.  So, again, preparing meals just isn’t that fun because everything is so unpredictable.  If I eat late at night, I get heartburn so waiting until DH gets home isn’t an option.  So we just kind of wing it.  Prior to that, DH always had this, that or the other to do and was perfectly happy with a bowl of cereal for dinner and then grazing his way through the kitchen the rest of the night.  So again, why bother with much.  I fixed a lot of hamburger helper, tuna helper, frozen french fries with frozen chicken tenders and a bag of corn or some applesauce because DS would eat that stuff.

I grew up in a family that ate hot cooked meals every night at 5:00 p.m.  It is no wonder I feel screwed up since that is what I expected in my adult life but isn’t what I got.  I can see that I could have chosen to have carried on the tradition on my own but I didn’t because everything seemed so out of whack and doing for myself what I would have done for someone else felt wrong, felt disloyal, felt separate in my current marriage and in my past marriage it was that single or senior syndrome where what fun is it to cook for just one, especially when you’d have all those leftovers? or why bother because it is just me?  My DS got a hot cooked meal at the babysitters so I’d do mac and cheese or sandwiches for him or swing through McDonalds for a Happy Meal.

So now here I sit at a crossroads of why don’t I go ahead and cook for me like I would for someone else and why should I?  I deserve to be treated as well as I would someone else.  My DH at least deserves to have something available to him in the refrigerator besides takeout leftovers.  We eat out alot as we live in a large suburban area with tons of restaurants available to us. 

I am considering making a lunch as my main, nice meal so that there are good leftovers for DH in the refrigerator for his dinner.  DS and I could eat together as a family for dinner at a reasonable hour and I could do salad while he eats the leftovers from my lunch for dinner.  I am considering making my lunch a sensory pleasureable event with music (instead of talk radio or TV) flowers in a vase or a lit candle, a pretty plate and cloth napkin.  It seems like a lot of trouble to go to for just me; but I am hoping that it will be worth the effort in that I will feel comforted this way and not feel the need to be comforted by my nemesis chocolate and mint.  I tend to read when I dine alone and I think I should probably stop that but I think that will be the hardest part of this for me.  I think the book or magazine distracts me from what I eat and I think I should learn how to enjoy the process of eating the meal and being aware of what I eat.  I believe I need full me participation at meal time.  This is going to be hard.  It will also be interesting.  Can I change this behavior too?  I’ve added walking one week, pushup the next and now meal behavior.  I’m layering behaviors as one of my previous commenters pointed out.  Wish me your best okay?


8 Responses to “Still Struggling With Chocolate”

  1. pantrypuff Says:

    I think that’s a great idea. I have trouble with cooking for my family, but for different reasons…

  2. alwayswithme Says:

    Thanks pantrypuff. I am starting today.

  3. gemfit Says:

    NEVER think that something is too much effort just for yourself. You deserve a sensory pleasurable experience. You deserve a good meal. You deserve it and never forget it.

    I think the idea of having good leftovers available for the DH and eating a salad or whatnot with him is a great idea.

  4. Lora Says:

    I have the same problem here with meals. I too, was brought up to be seated at the table at 5 pm for dinner every night. After I got married it remianed that way until my husband passed away. New hubby works till 8 or 9 every night (even weekends!) and we eat so late! I’ve gained 25 pounds since we married (it’s been 4 years) Yikes!

  5. brookelorren Says:

    Good luck!

    If you’re cooking for yourself, at least you’ll know you’ll be getting something healthy. And dh will probably enjoy the leftovers.

  6. Annette Says:

    You will do this. Maybe freeze a little portion for the bad days…..don’t abandon it forever 🙂 You deserve yummy things too. Keep up with the exercising. I believe that is the key to keeping weight off forever.

  7. Kim Says:

    I do wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you know what you should do so I hope that you give it a try and you may be shocked that you can do it! As far as the chocolate, I too love chocolate and candy and the best thing that works for me is to just not have it in the house. And when you go shopping, make sure you put something healthy in your stomach before you go the store so you do not have the temptation to buy it. I know that is easier said than done but sometimes if you are not hungry when you go shopping you might be less likely to buy the bad stuff…

  8. Ritsumei Says:

    I find myself needing to find motivation to fix food mostly for myself & a toddler a lot as well. Leftovers are my friend. I cook a big meal (I try to do it when DH is around) and then there are the leftovers. Those are still a good meal, but it’s quicker, easier, and less formal. I like that. So I plan to make leftovers with just about everything, and a few favorite meals I make TONS of. Start small: maybe 1 night a week. Make something you love to eat. I like to read while I eat too, but sometimes I read outloud to my Monkey. That’s an entirely different ball of wax. This evening it was a couple pages from an Astronomy book. If I’m really lucky the clouds will clear out enough that I can do some star-gazing tonight, maybe see some more of Perseid meteor shower that’s going on right now. That would be fun. Good luck with your improving eating habits!

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